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Mental health, and shit

2009-10-22T23:41:20Z

In a twist that I am sure no one saw coming, at all, I get to schedule an appointment to have a full clinical depression screening.
My talky-talky doc gave me a list of referrals to prescribing docs, all of whom are more than willing to look at Behaviour Modification as an alternative to medication, but who will also be honest with me on if they thinks the meds will be helpful, and none of whom appear to be in the back pocket of "Big Pharma"

Honestly, it wasn't shocking to hear this, but unsettling.

After telling my sister for years that there is nothing wrong at all with taking meds to deal with a mental health issue, the idea of ME needing to take meds really throws me for a loop.

My plan, right now, is to keep working wiht Marla on my anxiety issues, and on my communication issues as they pertain to Char, even if he is not seeing her with me. I am also going to talk to her about my choices re: meds, and honestly, I would really like a 'fair' chance at giving exersize and behavior mod a try for a while before the med route is tried. Granted, a big part of exersize and behavior mod working is daily application thereof, and I have a hard enough time eeking out 20 minutes two times a day to do my anti-anxiety routines. Seriously, finding time to prectice anti-anxiety techniques should not be making me anxious.

Even though I know that being on meds will not make me any less of a person, will not make me any worse of a mom, will not.....it's right up there with asking for help. I know that if I need help I should ask, but yet I don't.....

Anyways, that's enough guts spilling ramble from me for right now.
Talk more later

School

2009-10-13T17:19:57Z

School is kicking my ass, and not, all at the same time.
I am staying on top of everything so far- breaking into parts as much as possible to not get bogged down or overwhelmed. The 4 hours of class in a row is really much more draining than one would think, though
The obsessing over the comp paper that had to be written in one sitting, no research, no revising is driving me nuts. It's finished, printed out, and saved to my laptop, but I refuse to read it until after I turn it in, since I cannot do anything to it.
My accounting class is moving pretty fast, and that is good, as I am keeping up, but I hope it slows down when we start more complicated work.

Ren is home all week- fever and achy COULD be swine flu- never mind it's allergies and a cold, oh no, he has to stay home all week, just in case. sigh. I understand, but it's still frustrating.

Boo is 5 today!

more later

simetimes, you have to wonder just how much the universe thinks any one person can take.

2009-09-27T03:50:35Z

At the begining of the months, a bunch of things went to hell in a handbasket.
Long story short, we are staying with the inlaws right now for various and sundry reasons, some ofthem my fault,, some ofthem hubby's, and some of the structural issues with the house.
Early last week (late this week) things again went to pot in a different aspect of my family.
My mom decided spur of the moment to go visit family back home, and I haven't heard from her. This is probably good as she needs to get away from everything.
My sister pissed a lot of people off, and though I do not condone her bahaviour, I cannot condemn it out of hand either. I do not agree with the way she went about anything, however, and she is off her meds again, which may or may not play aprt in this, opinions on that vary.
I need to decide ASAP if I am still starting school on the 5th, or if I want to wait until the january/february winter term start date.
I am not planning on waiting, I am planning on starting again now, and I know that some people disagree with that.

To make all of this even more funky- all the hush hush about it. Honesetly alot of it is family issues that need to stay where they are. I am not trying to offend anyone by being all secrative, it's just sometimes you have to get something out of your system, and this is the best way to do it.
I am gonna try and start posting more, both here and at my other blog, which I may eventually link to here, I don't know.
Just know thatI am as OK as I can be right now.

Hey there!

2009-09-13T01:19:44Z

Tomorrow is Deb's birthday, all together now Happy Birthday Deb! May you be blessed with much sparklemotion, sparklepyres, and sparkly fritoes sparkle!

I am so smart, SMRT!

2009-08-29T19:21:09Z

I have had an amazingly productive day, considering I am running on four, maybe five hours of sleep and a put of high-test-octain coffee.
Today, I went down to School, to take my placement tests, as they are recquired.
The minimum one can score on the tests bypass fundimentals, and take standard 'entry level' courses in math and english and reading and what not is 75. I came in at 120 or above in all three. This means that I missed NO QUESTIONS at all.
I was certain there was a sentence modification one that I got wrong. You know, the whole "take this sentance, but start it with this part instead, now how do you continue to make it logical?" Y'all know the issues I have with being clear and concise when I speak, and when I write, but apparently, put me in a test, and I kick ass at it!

Anywho, what this means is that I can test directly into the 200's level classes if I want, taking roughly 2 quarters off of my total acedemic career. Yeah, I feel pretty smart at the moment.

I also went to the Comcast office to pay a bill, and to bitch about a bunch of things that have not been taken care of yet.
The people there were amazingly helpful. Comcast still sucks, but their people do not.

Oh, the irony....

2009-08-29T04:27:27Z

After the fabulous facebook message I recieved from my paternal step-sister, I forgot about everything. Today at Wal-mart, a cashier who I am friendly with asked is I ehard about the $2,100 in scholorships that the youngest of my paternal half brothers recieved from his highschool. I had not, she said he was on facebook, and he lonked to the local paper article. Being if a profile is public, I can look at it, I thought I would check it out.
ALL of the profiles for anyone in my father's family have been set to private. All of them.
This cracks me up, as none of them were private before the only response I gave to the guilt-mail was to tighten down security on my end, so that it would be harder for them to contact me in passive agressive manners.'

Basically, after chastising me about dropping off the face of the planet, and making it hard to find me, they closed off some of the obvious communication routes.
I am still proud for my brither, and I am happy to see that he is going directly to a 4 year university, and thus leaving the house during the school year, even if it's only an hour and a half away.

Fest

2009-08-22T00:34:34Z

So, tomorrow is the (suprisingly later than normal) opening day of fest. Ren fest. Once again, I am not working out there, which deep down inside I know is for the best, but still sucks donkeys. I am also terribly uncertain, due to finances, the shortness of comp passes this year, child arrangements, and everything else, how often I will get out as a patron, and depending on company, how much time for me to do my things I will actually have.

This is always a suprisingly hard time of year for me, it's like missing a trip home after years away, almost.

Maybe next year will be different.

8-22-09 - Apparently, I spoke too soon, and the fest fairies are hard at work, working on methods to get me out there. Yay!

What an interesting day!

2009-07-20T04:29:19Z

This morning, around 9:30, Jei calls- the conversation ran approximately like this
J: Yo, Lena, my bro around?
me: Yeah, let me get him, is everything OK (Jei sounded frazzled, wanted to make sure he didn't need anything as Fiona owuld be having her babe any time)
J: No, it's fine, just need to talk to him
me: Ok, (get's Char up, hands phone)

Ten minutes or less later, Char comes out of the room, and says it was about the baby. I ask if Fiona was in labor, Char explains that the wee sprog Evan James was born at 8:09. THis is awesome, but it cracked me up, as Jei never mentioned it on the phone at all. When jei called back a few later, Char reminded him that he could have told me, there was much laughter.

Today was also interesting due to the sheer amount of time I spent on the heating pad dealing with the double whammy of a cyst on the back of my right ovary (exterior not interior) and dealing with Funky Gall Bladder issues.

At about 9 this evening, I hop on the shower, at about 10 this evening I am ready for bed, at about 10:05 this even, hordes of firetrucks come screaming in front of my house, as the blue duplex across the street is on fire, and starting to shoot sparks out of the side wall.
The fire trucks are still here, I cannot sleep with all the lights. THis sucks.
Today was a great day, though, as I have a new nephew.

Oh, yeah, 'cause guilt is totally the way to go, seriously

2009-06-29T20:21:00Z

My step-sister, this would be the daughter of my step-mother, the woman who married my father- messaged me in facebook, out of the blue, with the most passive-aggressive, guilt laden message known to man. The first line is, seriously, and I am not shitting you "Did you get married without telling daddy?"
Yeah- nothing about why I may have made myself hard to track down over the last four ears, no offer for communication, like I would take it anyways, just that I have been impossible to track down, that some stuff happened, stuff that anyone who knows math could tell oyu, and yeah, a big heaping helping of feeling like shit.

I just need to pretend it never happened. I cannot deal with any of that family right now, I cannot put those who love me through it, either.

oh, dear god, make it stop

2009-06-18T16:53:37Z

My MIL has this week and next week off of work- next week is her 'vacation' time, this week is her coming to my house to help me clean. Clean we have. Clean we will. I have been worked silly, I have been sweating like a pig, the cleaning project keeps getting bigger and bigger. There are reasons it needs to be done, though, other than just having a clean house, but seriously, it does not all have to be done by tomorrow, which is now the plan, and did I mention that I am having kidney or gall stone issues? have since saturday night? Yeah, so I hurt on top of all of this. Now, added to the side hurt of stoney doom, my arms hurt, my legs hurt, my back and neck hurt.
Don't get me wrong, it is great to have a clean hhouse, and I would not be able to do this without her help, as Char and Steve really have not been doing there share, but enough is enough. I jsut want to rest, not clean, not run with the kids after cleaning, just rest for a moment.

blearghchasdlkh

2009-06-02T00:22:30Z

Renic was sick today- Renic started to show classic appendicitis symptoms- brought him to the ER, got rushed to the head of the pack, EVERYONE thought it was appendicitis, start talking to me about what to expect with surgery etc....
Surgeon gets waylaid coming to see us and give his opinion on if he wanted to op right away, or do a CT first to assess how bad
Ren got better
That doesn't happen

Turns out that he has a freakishly bad aggressive case of Strep, that presented with appendisitis like abdomonal pain instead of throat pain? yeah, I have never heard of that happenning either
We are to keep tabs on him, juuuust in case it was both, and the appendix happened to burst before the surgeon got there, woohoo- though not likely

He's home for two days
Char is home tomorrow
he's on ten days of meds.
Oh, and did I mention I have a meeting at Ren's school tomorrow, as he apparently has 'authority issues'? Yeah, big suprise there.

I am so fucking wiped right now.

Oh, and Deb- The puppy FX, from what I saw, weren't bad at all, but why Laurent is stalking Bella outside of Jacob's house, so that he can launch himself at Laurent from the porch? Yeah, I don't know, and am totally hoping it's an editing trick, and not that they fucked the script that bad.

feeling disjointed.

2009-05-18T19:37:42Z

So mom called earlier today. She asked if my sister called me last night. No, she didn't, is it about the house? (ask I, as my siter closed on a house on friday), No! Apparently my sister's gramma died on sunday.
I honestly don't know how to react. I am saddenned for Crystal, but I am numb, myself. Florence was a big part of my life for a while, she never treated me different that Crystal, and as far as I remember, she was a good woman, but I really didn't see or talk to her much in the last handful of years.
I loved her, but I don't know how to mourn her. I don't want to seem uncaring, I don't want to seem melodramatic, and I haven't fully processed it yet. Char is being supportive, Steve is being an ass today, but it happens so rarely that he is allowed a bad day here and there, and yeah. I am just, oddly out of it.

I am going to email my prof for tonight's class, I have a feeling that it will beb etter for me not to be there tonight. If this hits me, it will undoubtedly be in the middle of accounting, believe you me.

Seriously, it isn't that hard

2009-04-16T14:22:07Z

KK- this is important. I know that it probably doesn't matter to most of you, but to me, it does.
When putting away canned goods, in the cupboard, you DO NOT put larger cans on top of smaller cans, although you can put a small can on a larger can. Like items get grouped with like, and I don't mean soups go together and veggies go together, I mean that canned peas go together, canned corn, etc, and they are in one area, then sauces go together, by type, soup, by type, creamed soups to be seperate from broth soups, and so on.
Boxed goods have their own hierarchy, and the fridge and freezer have their own set up, too.

Tomatoes DO NOT belong in the fridge, and your fruits and veggies should not cohabitate in the crispers, they need seperate evironments.

Yes, I know my OCD and my Geek are showing, thank you.

who knows what darkness lurks in the heart of washers and dryers? The momma knows!

2009-04-14T14:22:35Z

/this is the post in which I remind or tell those who have children, or maybe drunken roommates, that one should always check the bottom of the washer before putting any laundry in, that if you think there is potato flakes in the laundry, use cold water, and that putting things through for a second wash is generally a smart idea, as wet cereal dries to the consistancy of cement, and potato flakes will rehydrate, then dry to the consistancy of little potato clay pigions.

I was drinking, and knitting, and laughing, life was good.

2009-04-12T16:01:06Z

On friday, I went to my first Drunken Knit Night with my mom.
It was awesome, and fun, and funny, and something I hope I will be able to do more often.
Being it is Easter today, I should probably be working on getting the boys ready to go to Anna and Dick's for dinner, but hey, that can wait.

Seriously, people, I know, and have known for years

2009-04-06T18:33:49Z

April is national autism awareness month. I have been 'informed' of this by too many people to count in hte last six days.
Seriously, do you walk up to a black dude in February and go "Hey, did you know it's black history month?"
Do people walk up to women with children on mother's day and go "Hey, did you know it's mother's day today?"
Do people look at you on your birthday and go "Oh, by the way, today is your birthday, just so you know, maybe you might want to do something, being as how it's the day you were born and all" and be serious about it>

I have a child on the autism spectrum, I am totally aware that it is Autism Awareness Month. Even if I didn't remember, any one of the websites or organizations or societies that deal with Autism that I belong to would have reminded me.

I honestly appreciate the sentiment, I do, and I know it's your way of saying that you care about me and the boys, but still, I know, stop reminding me.

enough with the vomit already

2009-03-29T20:02:03Z

Ren was sick from tuesday through roughly friday. Liam and Boo picked up the mantel and ran with it from friday on. I have been vomited on morethan I really care to recount in the last few days. I had to strip and wash my bed yesterday morning, do to Boo's amazing gastro-intestinal protechnics, and after washing all the couch blankets on friday after bering horked on, got tto do it all again today, plus clothes, tennis shoes, and such after liam, followed rapidly by boo horked on one of my legs each, the living room floor, the couch, and all other manner of item.

I cannot wait for them to be over this, as I just don't know how much more if it I can handle.
Hubby is being spectacularly unhelpful in all of this, too. In all fairness, some of it is due to timing and location, but still, it sucks that out of three adults in the house, only one is doing %95 of the vomit clean-up.

ugh!

2009-03-25T17:09:30Z

So, last night was interesting. There was heavy traffic because, ZOMG! RAIN! In MN, in March!
About ten minutes before we got home, laterthan normal, STeve called us. Renic was still at school, he did not get on the bus, he did not get on the bus because he was sleeping on the floor, next to the cot, in the nurses resting area.
Long series of comedic tragedy made short, he said he wasn't feeling well in the moring. I sent him to school, anyways, as he wasn't feverish or pale. At the end of the day, with half an hour to go, he went all pale and clammy. He went to lie down, and the school didn't call, since the day was almost over. The principal was getting ready to email me to let me know what was up, when they realized that Ren was still sleeping, 45 minutes AFTER the bus left.
The called me, I dropped Char at home, and went and got Ren, who promplty projectile vomited three minutes AFTER getting into the van.
He is ill. A virus, of course. He will be home today and tomorrow,,, due to illness and the schools policy on how long there must be with no vomiting before returning, then friday and all of next week, due to spring break.
Liam and Donovan are under the weather, too.
I am getting ready to round up some comfy pyjammies to wash, so that they can all shower after dinner tonight (soup and sammies) and pout on clean, dryer fresh, jammies prior to, hopefully passing out.,
I think that Donovan and Liam would feel better if they were not both at terminal sleep dep point.
They have not gotten nearly enough sleep this week, and are both so over tired they are running on auto pilot, which means that they only want me, all the time.
Ugh. I hate having sick kids. Being next week is also my spring break, and therefor responsibility free, and the only time I will have to relax, and takers on the bet that I iwill end up sick, too?

When ovaries attack, next on fox!

2009-03-25T14:25:22Z

My hormones are doing wild and wacky things at the moment. Either the blood supply to my ovaries is not %100 like we thought, or, with a full blood supply, they are attempting to make up for lost time. I am so scatterred right now, and it sucks.

ZOMG!!!PWNIES AND A LAPPY!!!!

2009-02-28T20:45:57Z

So. I am totally in love. I got my new laptop last night, and am now seriously debating if it would be wrong to run off to Vegas or Reno and Elope with it.

Char keeps joking that it will replace him, which it will not, but dudes, this thing is waaayyy better than my desktop even dreamed of being.
Fast, sleek, shiny, and all mine!

vivid daydreams

2009-02-22T20:47:30Z

If I didn't know that pregnancy was a biological impossibility for me, I would almost be concerned. I have been havind the most vivid daydreams, and flashes of memories this weekend, it's insane.
We are talking I can damn near feel the individual drops in a memory that has rain, or I snap out of a daydream, and realize, almost sadly, that it was jsut a daydream, and not real life.

This is not the freaky, OMG I am going insane sort of thing, though, it's noce, and it isn't putting me or anyone else in danger, it is just wierd.

thought I would share.

Deb: I will e on yahoo tomorrow, and you better be available to talk, as I need to talk!

Fiona: Call me if you need anyhting, baby/pregnancy wise

Everyone else: I will try to check in every now and then.

night of the living dead

2009-02-18T00:20:44Z

So, this strange thing has been happenning lately, and not just to me. Apparently, something about this year, and this time of this year, is causing all of the old friends and acquaintances to crawl out of the woodwork.
In most cases, I don't mind, it's just a quick, "Hey, you're alive, I'm alive, WE're all alive!" and then they dissappear again for x number of years. In a few cases, it's kind of skeevey, like "What part of I never want to see you again, I hope you crawl under a rock and die, and then that rock gets run over multiple times by an industrial steamroller never talk to me again!!!" did you not understand. In a few cases, it's really welcome. Some of these friends are people who have known me for 15 years, if not more. And for those of you counting, that is half my life or more. And for those of you who know me well, Yes, I did just start two sentances in a row with the word And. Yes, that should give you an idea of where my head is right now.

The good things about people crawling out of the woodwork is the reawakening of memories, but it's also the bad thing. There are some friends who I have cherished moments with, things like sitting in the quad on a nice day a week before prom my junoir year, and getting so sunburned that we had to figure out what sort of coverup to use to hide it in the prom pics, especially since I had a strapless dress. Memories like being so excited to see someone after a weekend that you run down the hallway to barrel into them, knocking all of your books all over the place, falling on your collective asses, and laughing like idiots. But, and there is a but, some of them bring about memories of sitting in the girls bathroom, being so angry that all you can do is shake and cry and break shit. Some of them bring back memories that hurt you so badly, because as an adult, you realize just how fucked up you were as a kid, just how thouroughly you fucked some people up, just by being selfish, and a bitch.

Some are neutral, like how you perfected the artfrom of scathing bitchiness, so much so that you were known by TEACHERS as 'the scathing bitch", or sitting in the lunchroom debating the merits of fiestada pizza vs pepperoni, being upset if the fryer was down, because you couldn't have potato skins, and things like that.

Sigh...memories, cannot live with them, cannot have lived without them.

4 years and counting

2009-02-13T14:42:59Z

4 years ago today, I wis living at my in-laws, with a kid who would turn 4 over the summer, and a kid who was 4 months old, collicky, and had some interesting character traits. That was it, two kids, me and Char, living at my in-laws.
4 years ago today, I married Charlie. It was a small set up in his parents living room. A good friend of ours performed the ceremony, two of my best friends witnissed for us, and all said and done, including the participants and my kids, we had 21 people there to celebrate our union.
3 years and 51 weeks ago, I had been engaged for just over 2 and a half years, and I found out that I would no longer qualify for insurance benefits. char had a job at the time that paid %100 of employee costs for insurance. Char and I knew we were together, and never actually thought that much about marriage, as we just knew we were together. The insurance situation made us decide to get married, and to plan a wedding and simple reception, with only the necesary people present, in a week.
We had chicken chow mein and eggrolls, no cake, no flowers, champagne, wine, and sparkling cider. Donovan had baby cereal, rice, and a little bit of the gravy from the chow mein.
I wore a dress, that I still have, and almost fit into again, that cost a whopping 10 dollars. Char wore jeans and a nice henley. Kris and Troy got us beautiful, pentacle negraved, goblets.
Bear performed the ceremony, Kris and Troy stood up for us, Anna, Dick, Mom, Don, Crystal Becky, Erica, Both boys, and of all people Shane and Amelia were there. Shane, Amelia, and Jei were moving that day into a new place. Some people ask if I was pissed my BIL moved on my wedding day...being the move was set up before the wedding, no, no I am not.

It was not terribly cold. I remember being nervous, not because I was afraid of being married, but I was afraid of somehow fucking up once we were married. Being married at 20, dovorced at 21, and coming from a family where everyone has been divorced at least once fucks with your sense of commitment.

I managed to get one surprise over on Char. His ring, which he doesn't wear often, as it's too big, and cannot be resized, but he loves it, as it is soo him.

In a few more years, we will have a vow renewal. I will get him a ring that fits, he will get me a ring that is not a hand-me down from my auntie.

Now, I have been married for 4 years (that's over 4 times longer than my first marriage!) My youngest is turning 3 in two months, my toddler is 4 years and 4 months, and my oldest will be turning 8 this summer.
We own a wee tiny house.
We have different jobs, paths, and guidence than we did then.

I woke up this morning next to the man who I married, four years ago today, and realized that I love him more now then I did then...I didn't even know that was possible.

Garghhhhh! School edition

2009-02-12T14:59:25Z

So, I was all psyched for the Lena-Asshat showdown last night, and Antar pulled a switch! Instead of discussing the topic at hand, that was delayed for a week, and instead, we talked about teamowrk. I was forced to work with Asshat, and a contingent from Switzerland (nuetral in the Lena-Asshat showdown)
I did not kill anyone, nor did I get to verbally beat anyone down, but I do have more time to plan for next week, and it is coming, oh yes, it is coming.

I think that Antar did this because he said it would be no sooner than week 7, and he realized that it was only week 6.
I did call him out, and informed him that this was bullshit, and he knew it, but at the same time, I played like a good little lena, and thankfully, all the questions pertained to actual teamwork, and many were broken down in a pro/con format, so we didn't have to agree.

I think Antar just wanted to see what would happen when he put two type A personalities in one work group.

Oh, Drone, honey, miss you, also, I will totally make him buy Kleenex next week after he cries.

Showdown at the OK Corral

2009-02-11T15:02:03Z

So, There is the asshole in my business class who is, well, an asshat.
Tonight, we duscuss social policies in terms of business and economy.
The asshat is a total elitist corporate double-speak asshole. The asshat is also a pure capitolist.
I am not. I am not a pure sociolist, but on the contunium, I lean more towards socialism than capitolism.

My prof stated on the first day of class that there would be a Lena/asshat showdown. He placed bets on it happenning sometime around the 7th or 8th week of class. This is the sixth week, and I feel a showdown a coming.

I will be good. I will revel in my new awesome haircut of awesomeness. I will remember to think through anything I say before it comes out of my mouth.
I will take the asshat down!